Tighten Up

*Warning! Explicit Content*

I have never had to put a disclaimer before anything before, so bare with me on this. This particular post will contain very lewd and vulgar things. It will not become a pattern to my postings by any means, but tonight is simply something else.

I have false confidence, that, I suppose is the easiest way to describe it. It may be slowly melding into real confidence however, it is far too early to say just yet.

Fuck! I am losing grip!

Earlier today at work, I was walking toward one of the new guys that had just started yesterday. I heard him say something to his buddy as I was approaching, but I didn't pay much mind to it. I don't really like new people, it takes me a long time to warm up to them. As I got closer to him, he stopped me, a guy that I have barely said ten words to, stopped me to talk to me.

He didn't ask me a question, nor did he make some inane attempt at small talk. He stopped me to tell me one thing.

He said to me. "Sam, I just thought you should know, that the way you walk and carry yourself makes you look like you have so much confidence. Enough confidence in fact that as you were walking up here I thought, man he looks so sure of himself, I doubt I would reject him if he tried to convince me to let him sodomize me."

It certainly was an odd analogy, but nothing else could have driven the point home in quite the same way. Though I am not sure if it is a good thing, I took that as a compliment and I had a pretty good laugh about it as well. After all, it isn't everyday that someone says something like that to you.

I am well aware that it was partially a joke, but even still, it really got me thinking about my confidence and why the hell people seem to think I have it.

(It is all a lie. Fuck!) Tighten up.

Sure, behind the safety of words and a computer I can have charisma, confidence and charm. Anyone who has ever had the distinct pleasure of talking to me in person and online would easily notice a marked difference. Words, as I have said before are my weapons and my armor and through text I am nearly untouchable. Get me alone in a room face to face though and all that confidence flies out the window. In real life, I am just a nerd who gets nervous around girls and is insecure about pretty much every aspect of his life.

I feel as if the line is becoming blurred, between text Sam and real life Sam and maybe that is good, but maybe it isn't. I need to get a firm grasp of the reigns and tighten up. Figure out if maybe the two Sams can coexist cohesively. Confidence in actuality.

I feel as if I have recently experienced a profound failure of life.Something far worse than failure Something that I could do my best to describe, but honestly, there is a movie quote that does it much better.

There's a difference between a failure and a fiasco. A failure is merely the absence of success. Any fool can achieve failure. But a fiasco, a fiasco is a disaster of epic proportions. A fiasco is a folk tale told to others to make other people feel more alive because it didn't happen to them. 

It is time to recover from this and tighten up. Find my confidence in actuality. Walk in a way that makes people stop and tell me that I move with purpose. I do move with purpose. . . I am just still figuring out what that purpose is.


One last time for good measure. Fuck!