I was totally going to talk about God in this post, in particular a conversation I have had recently, but I have decided to save that for a different night. The subject of God is too daunting a task for someone who has recently gained the habit of not sleeping.
The world looks very different through groggles. By the way, groggles is a word I have coined to express the feeling of being perpetually groggy. Wearing groggles seems to slow down the world around you, often time minutes can feel excruciatingly long. That isn't always a bad thing, sometimes you'd love nothing more than to slow time down, but as far as everyday life is concerned, it is not fun, or fashionable to wear groggles.
The very worst part about groggles however, is the part I am experiencing right now. When you reach a point where your exhaustion becomes so extreme, that you truly no longer feel tired, or capable of sleep. Any of you who have experienced this, know exactly the feeling I am describing, anyone who has not, well, consider yourselves fortunate.
It is so surreal, knowing that all you really want to do is sleep, but being unable to relax, unable to stop your mind or your body from staying awake. In some ways it is almost painful, at least for me. That is why I can't relax, when I try, I realize how worn out I am and it is very akin to pain.
Tonight, this particular week in fact, has been relatively severe. It is not like before, not like a few months ago when I simply could not sleep due to emotional pains. No, not being able to sleep at all I can deal with and to be honest I was such a wreck I barely noticed. This week, however, I CAN sleep, I just haven't, or haven't very much. Now it has finally gotten past the point of no return and I honestly am not sure what to do.
The only other times it has ever gotten this bad, I always had a "significant other" and I would turn to them to help and make sure I found my way to a good nights rest. Someone who would slow my brain, ease my mind, not let me get up and indulge the insomnia. I have learned how to do many things alone that I never used to have to over the last 6 months, but this, this I fear is too difficult.
Nothing quells my restless mind, not even these words tonight. I will try and sleep very soon and with any luck I will succeed. If not, it is only a few hours until I have to be awake anyway. Focus is leaving me now and I my brain is on to other things. I hope to soon write another good blog, rather than my hopeless ramblings at trying to find peace, but I suppose we will see.
It is now day five. . . Maybe on the seventh day I will rest?
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