I feel like I am in a vacuum, everything is silent and nobody can hear me shouting. I still hear noises, but I don't really, they pass through me and I am none the wiser of their existence. I haven't written in a while and this is mostly because I have been sliding down this steep slope of God knows what emotions. Feeling and not feeling so perfectly at the same time. Everything seems and feels meaningless, but I carry on more out of spite and the knowledge that it is the "right" thing to do, regardless of whether I really want to or not.
I'd give just about anything to not feel like this right now (anymore) but this entire non-emotional, emotional state, this numbness I suppose, has been an approaching curve for sometime and I have no intentions of slowing. I think if there were a devil, I'd probably sell my soul just to feel normal, to feel like a part of the world again. That really is it, I feel completely detached from everything. It is quiet.
My room is clean at least. Everything neatly displayed and put away, reminders of the past, the present and the future all staring me down. I haven't brought my chair back in yet though and I sit on a tote full of childhood memories as I type. I almost like the tote better than my chair, it promotes very good posture.
I'm going to take more pills to try and sleep, but I hate sleep nowadays. I have been dreaming and I don't normally do that, or at least remember them. I have been though and the dreams are awful. . .just awful.
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