In Another Life

I was gonna take it easy tonight because I haven't been feeling. Have some food, screw around on the computer maybe watch some T.V. and go to bed. Nothing strenuous, nothing stressful.

I was gonna write a post titled Julia, my Destiny is Kristal clear. It was going to be about my California girls that I met two years ago. I suspect I will still write it, but not tonight, not now.

Just in these few hours, two things I was going to do all of the sudden became things I didn't or haven't done. So many other possibilities in life, so many other ways to go than what you were going to do or what you thought would happen. I am getting a bit ahead of myself however as I haven't revealed what it was that changed my gonnas to not gonnas.

I went down a rabbit hole of thought that was created by a single picture. It was a picture from the wedding in Mexico I've previously written about. I was happy to see the smiling faces of my two long lost friends, finally married and looking amazing. There were others in that picture though, one in particular, a man who doesn't look entirely dissimilar to me. A man who were it not for some gonnas turned not gonnas or vice versa, may well have been me.

He was there, judging by his attire as part of the wedding party. He was there with his wife and she was most certainly a bridesmaid. The man I have never had the pleasure of meeting but his wife used to be the most important person in the world to me. We were together for over 3 years.

I thought, back then, that was gonna be it for me. Obviously it wasn't and though I can't say how life would've have been, I can say that I believe she is happy now and I can certainly say I am happy as well but that realization, that knowledge, doesn't slow the decent down the rabbit hole.

Were it not for a few simple things long ago, I might have been in Mexico, I might have been in that wedding party. I might have been standing during the ceremony across from a girl that might have been my wife. All of those were real possibilities at one point. That man could have been me.

Sure, it's safe to assume that any number of things could've happened to change all of that but therein lies the danger of this particular rabbit hole. It never ends. There's always another possible outcome. An infinite expanse of choices made and not made, you cannot resolve this line of thinking, you simply have to fall through it until you realize the folly of it and cement yourself back into the reality of your current now. The place you are in because of all the minute choices you've made that brought you to this moment.

Unfortunately, even after writing this, I'm still drifting down the tunnel of what ifs. I know my stay here won't be long but right now it feels like it could go on forever. A beautiful sinking feeling of loneliness and joy. Joy for where I truly am today and loneliness for the person I did not become and how he might feel.

I wonder how he feels.