In Another Life

I was gonna take it easy tonight because I haven't been feeling. Have some food, screw around on the computer maybe watch some T.V. and go to bed. Nothing strenuous, nothing stressful.

I was gonna write a post titled Julia, my Destiny is Kristal clear. It was going to be about my California girls that I met two years ago. I suspect I will still write it, but not tonight, not now.

Just in these few hours, two things I was going to do all of the sudden became things I didn't or haven't done. So many other possibilities in life, so many other ways to go than what you were going to do or what you thought would happen. I am getting a bit ahead of myself however as I haven't revealed what it was that changed my gonnas to not gonnas.

I went down a rabbit hole of thought that was created by a single picture. It was a picture from the wedding in Mexico I've previously written about. I was happy to see the smiling faces of my two long lost friends, finally married and looking amazing. There were others in that picture though, one in particular, a man who doesn't look entirely dissimilar to me. A man who were it not for some gonnas turned not gonnas or vice versa, may well have been me.

He was there, judging by his attire as part of the wedding party. He was there with his wife and she was most certainly a bridesmaid. The man I have never had the pleasure of meeting but his wife used to be the most important person in the world to me. We were together for over 3 years.

I thought, back then, that was gonna be it for me. Obviously it wasn't and though I can't say how life would've have been, I can say that I believe she is happy now and I can certainly say I am happy as well but that realization, that knowledge, doesn't slow the decent down the rabbit hole.

Were it not for a few simple things long ago, I might have been in Mexico, I might have been in that wedding party. I might have been standing during the ceremony across from a girl that might have been my wife. All of those were real possibilities at one point. That man could have been me.

Sure, it's safe to assume that any number of things could've happened to change all of that but therein lies the danger of this particular rabbit hole. It never ends. There's always another possible outcome. An infinite expanse of choices made and not made, you cannot resolve this line of thinking, you simply have to fall through it until you realize the folly of it and cement yourself back into the reality of your current now. The place you are in because of all the minute choices you've made that brought you to this moment.

Unfortunately, even after writing this, I'm still drifting down the tunnel of what ifs. I know my stay here won't be long but right now it feels like it could go on forever. A beautiful sinking feeling of loneliness and joy. Joy for where I truly am today and loneliness for the person I did not become and how he might feel.

I wonder how he feels.

Mexico Is For Lovers

I'm not sure what time it is in the Riviera Maya although I know such information is likely just a Google search away, that is not the point.

The point is that regardless of what time it is, it is most definitely Saturday September 12th. That's a special day in that area because it will from now on, forever be the day that two people I care deeply for will have gotten married there.

I am not currently there in Mexico with them, nor was I even invited to celebrate but I am excited for them both nonetheless.

The couple getting married, Nicole and Chris, were once very close friends of mine. I remember talking to Nicole about Chris back before they had ever met in person. I remember talking to Chris through Nicole's webcam in her dorm and U of M. I remember the first time I met him and saw them together. So many memories with those two over the first few years of their relationship and I was honored to get to see it, to be a part of it. Even more so now, knowing that they are finally tying the knot.

All in all it is an incredibly joyous occasion, so what's keeping me up writing about it? The answer to that is simple.

Regret.

Nicole and Chris are two of the very few people I care about that have successfully left my life. Now this is no easy task mind you because if you're important to me, I hold on until my fingers break. Nearly every real friend I've ever made I still have. All but one of my exes is still my friend and many have invited me to their weddings. I'm incredibly hard to get rid of. Yet Nicole and Chris have gotten away.

This is of course my fault, hence the regret. Years ago (a bit over 4 but I don't want to sound overly creepy by recalling the exact date in early June of 2011) angry, mean, hurtful Sam reared his ugly head and poor Nicole was the sole recipient of all his energy. He didn't say much, but he knew just how to hurt with the little words he said. This is something that comes easily when people trust you, that is why breaking that trust and using it against them is such an awful thing.

Chris, like the great boyfriend, soon to be husband that he is, came to Nicole's defense and I have not spoken to him since that day. I tried to apologize, tried to make amends but he is not one to easily forgive, nor do I blame him.

Nicole on the other hand stayed in contact for awhile, never really giving up on me, realizing I was in a bad place. She accepted my apologies and even at one point claimed she had forgiven me.

I've been ever diligent in trying to keep contact but for whatever reason, she hasn't spoken to me in over a year. I have plenty of theories why but this is not the place for such things.

She said she had forgiven me, but I have yet to forgive myself and I suppose that is the most crucial part. I've never let that side come out like that, never gone that far, even when I was young and used to lose my temper.

I wish they were both still in my life. I wish I could share in the joy of today with them. I wish I could've seen their relationship grow to this point. I wish a lot of things for them but most of all I wish them happiness.

In everything they do I hope they have patience to listen to one another. Courage to be honest, even when it might be hurtful. Strength to move forward through all the obstacles life throws at them. Love to endure all else but most importantly I hope they hold on to the people I remember. The silly, jovial folks who never took life too serious. Never afraid to do try something new or do something that frightened them. If they can carry those people into their new union, I have no doubt they will succeed.

I'm working on one final project involving the two of them and after that, I will let go, consider my fingers officially broken. After I finish, if either of them ever reach out to me, I will gladly respond but if me not being in their life anymore is what will make them happiest, then consider my letting go a wedding present.

I love you both, congratulations! Mexico has no idea what they're in for.

Back To Life

I haven't written here in years and truthfully I don't even know if this is a good medium to share my thoughts anymore. A lot changes in 4 years.

In any case, I have a specific room for writing now and I thought maybe I should get back to general blogging when I'm not feeling like writing other things.

I have a ton of stories to tell and I think I'm actually excited to tell them or at least get them out so I don't forget them.

Let's hope this works.