Not The Greatest Hiatus

I haven't written here in awhile, things have been busy.

Over the past few weeks I've helped another person that I care about leave my life, at least temporarily, but who knows.

Still, it is for the better and I know that it needs to be done for said person to find happiness and I am honored and happy that I was able to play a role in them getting to that point.

I feel no anger or ill-will, but I must admit, I am fast growing tired of being so good at what I do and so patient. Part of me wishes I didn't understand and I could be irrational and upset about the turn of events, but I cannot, because I do understand.

If I could have acted differently or not been so encouraging and understanding, I might be sleeping better tonight, but I had to do what was best in the hopes that it turns out positive in the end. This feeling and the returning sleeplessness are worth it though, every moment has been worth it.

I am not unhappy, merely thoughtful and vigilant. I have so much on my mind and so much wanting to get out. I am surrounded by people who love and care for me and life overall really isn't bad. I'm going to use these next few weeks during the holidays. I am going to get these thoughts out and into words and I am going to remain patient and vigilant but not reclusive.

So once more unto the breach I go. This all too familiar feeling of hope and sadness. I have felt it far too many times this year, but I carry on. I do have hope though, more than I have had in a long time. Everything that has happened recently has given me that hope, along with several great conversations. So I carry on.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

                              - Robert Frost

Silence Is So Much More Than The Inability To Use Magic

I feel like I am in a vacuum, everything is silent and nobody can hear me shouting. I still hear noises, but I don't really, they pass through me and I am none the wiser of their existence. I haven't written in a while and this is mostly because I have been sliding down this steep slope of God knows what emotions. Feeling and not feeling so perfectly at the same time. Everything seems and feels meaningless, but I carry on more out of spite and the knowledge that it is the "right" thing to do, regardless of whether I really want to or not.

I'd give just about anything to not feel like this right now (anymore) but this entire non-emotional, emotional state, this numbness I suppose, has been an approaching curve for sometime and I have no intentions of slowing. I think if there were a devil, I'd probably sell my soul just to feel normal, to feel like a part of the world again. That really is it, I feel completely detached from everything. It is quiet.

My room is clean at least. Everything neatly displayed and put away, reminders of the past, the present and the future all staring me down. I haven't brought my chair back in yet though and I sit on a tote full of childhood memories as I type. I almost like the tote better than my chair, it promotes very good posture.

I'm going to take more pills to try and sleep, but I hate sleep nowadays. I have been dreaming and I don't normally do that, or at least remember them. I have been though and the dreams are awful. . .just awful.