I've always been good at playing my role. Good at helping people, being a friend, a boyfriend, anything, it just all came naturally to me. Compassion, understanding and empathy, I understood them all. I could know exactly the right thing to say to make someone feel better, or to bring them to tears or anger. Words have always been my bandages and my ammo, but words don't help me. I can't say anything to quell my mind, to find my way through the woods, nor can I say anything to hurt myself or bring myself down.
It has been almost two months since I have been walking these woods alone, and I am far more lost than I was before. Without someone else to focus on, someone I can help, I am forced to think only of myself. That, of course, is the point, but I still have no idea how to do that. I don't know how to focus on me, I have no words for me, no way to explain to myself where I should go from here. If it were anyone else, I could easily give good advice, but I truly do not know how I am going to help myself, help myself.
I have been putting others first for nearly a decade now, and it has been the greatest and most terrible thing I could have done. I am proud of the life that I lead and most of the things I did. I know I hurt people, but I know more often than not, I helped. Now however, having taken a backseat in my own life for so long, I no longer know what I want. Where do I begin? Hell, who am I? Putting myself first is so abnormal for me that I don't even really recognize myself. My mind fails me, my words fail me, often times my existence hinges on the fact that my stubbornness is the only thing that does not fail me. I must find answers, or moreover, I must find the questions first. It matters not that the meaning of life the universe and everything is actually 42, if we do not know the question, we can never understand the answer.
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