Between The Lines, These Are Mine.

I broke tonight. Plain and simple, I broke. I was walking to get groceries at 1 a.m., an activity that was born from need for food and lack of working car. It was fine, a nice night for it, really I was rather looking forward to it. About halfway to my destination though, everything seemed to shatter. All I wanted to do was keep walking, leave everything and everyone behind without a trace. I fought through it and arrived at my destination, the entire world seemed in a haze, nothing was recognizable. I bought some essential supplies, more on autopilot than actually thinking about the purchases and then I left the store. Three bags, evenly distributed to minimize arm strain for the walk home. I started back the exact same way I came, but the world around me still seemed hazy and surreal. I passed by an old man riding a rascal scooter type machine and though seeing such a thing at nearly two in the morning was odd, I was more concerned about my perception of him. Now, sitting at my desk writing this, I can tell you that that man was real, but at the time I felt as if I could have kicked him in the face and he would have disappeared into a puff of smoke. I did not want to walk home, part of me feels like the only true reason I bought groceries was so I would have to return home to drop them off. I was a little over 3/4 the way home when everything collapsed down on me. Emotionally, mentally and physically I completely broke. I sat down, feeling as if it were the end, plastic bags lying at my feet, ready to just be done with everything. I truly believe I would have left my bags along the side of the road and just continued walking into the night had I not at that exact moment gotten a call from a friend. I am not a man of faith or religion and I do not believe in acts of God, however, that phone call was perhaps the closest thing I've ever experienced to these fabled "acts of God". Though the man who called me held even less stock in such things than I, so if it were an "act of God" the vessel that was chosen was not a willing participant in the act. How, or why I got the impossibly timed phone call, I have no idea, but I can say that I am certain I will feel this way again and I must find a way to control it. I cannot rely on well placed phone calls to save me forever.