Conversation #12 Phoenix AZ
Q?
L. Of course I'm angry! I know it is such a rare thing to see in me but could you honestly expect me to be anything else at this venture? The most infuriating part of it all is that you haven't a clue what this feels like, you don't understand.
Q.
L. No! You don't understand! You keep saying you do, but you don't. . . You can't. Not only that, but you never will. I suppose that's a good thing and to be honest I'm glad you can't understand, but it doesn't make this suck any less for me. You will never know what it's like to give 100% of yourself, to pour every ounce of your energy and being into someone only to be third in their eyes. To me you were always first, to you I was always third. You won't know that feeling ever, nobody will ever put you third and surely nobody ever has.
Q.
L. I know, I know I'm being harsh and perhaps even a bit vindictive with my tone and my raising voice, but would you really steal the anger from me today? Haven't I earned just a little bit of rage throughout these years? Still, you're right. I don't want to be mad, I'm terrible at it but I am so let it burn, don't squelch it out before it's done. You owe me that at least.
Q?
L. Really? You don't think you owe me anything? I came all this way to make my peace with you. To find some type of peace. I mean for Christ's sake you never ever gave me a chance to figure it out! That was the whole point wasn't it? Let me figure it out, give me some time. That must've been too much to ask though, must've gotten tired of not being first. How did it feel? Did you even let it linger long enough to feel it or did you just fill the gap the minute you noticed it? I can't believe you! At first I chalked it up to coping mechanisms or any number of psycho-babble bullshit but now I think you were just afraid. Just scared and with nowhere to go. Has the nail been hit anywhere near the head? I can tell by your face, you've always had trouble hiding things from me.
Q?
L. Yes, I'm done. I think. Maybe not, but I feel like I am at least for now.
Q?
L. No, you know better than that and I already explained, I'm angry and not very good at it. Just go. Do whatever it is you came here to do and I'll be on my way. See, even when I'm mad I feel like I'm apologizing. What have I become? Even when I want it to be about me! me me me me! It is still about you. I hope you can comprehend even the smallest fraction of what I'm really trying to say. I hope you can understand why I'm mad and why I ought to be angry and I hope you don't begrudge me that anger. Cheapen it. You probably will though, once I walk away, it'll all get rationalized and cheapened somehow. That's fine, I just hope some part of you truly understands. . .
Q?
L. No this isn't it. I made you a promise and I keep my promises. I'm just angry right now, but I'm a man of my word.
Q. . .
L. Have a wonderful day.
